The Blog I Never Use

Having grown up in a conservative church, I was made all too aware of most of the dangers of the premarital (insert euphemism for coitus here). We were threatened with disease after disease, some including (word removed for the sake of the readers) discharge, others leading to insanity and death. For months we went though all of the horrors we would release if we allowed ourselves to lose control and were shown films about the premarital pregnancy, abortion, and death that awaited us in our first (insert euphemism for sexual experience here).

Now I've studied a little theology and I've come to a few conclusions:

1. They should have spent more time on the theological values that we needed to develop if we were to have reasons more powerful than fear.

2. They missed the most important reason for people over a certain level of intelligence to avoid any situation which might result in illegitimate offspring: The spawning of a child of incredible intelligence and immeasurable anger at their absentee father, which manifests itself in schemes of world domination or destruction. The filmstrip could start with a (insert euphemism for one-night-stand here). The guy walks away and never sees the girl again. The girl finds out that she's pregnant and decides to (insert euphemism for keep here) the baby. The baby grows up and mom is never at home because she has to work really hard to make ends meet. The child gets smarter every day, you'd see him reading books on advanced chemistry and physics and nuclear engineering and origami . . . One day "mom" returns home from her second job and finds that her child (okay, lets just admit it, very few girls would do this), her son has constructed an android that is identical to her. At first she thinks, 'how sweet, he built a robot to help me with work.' But she realizes as the robot starts cutting off her fingers and running them down the garbage disposal that this is her replacement.

Time passes and Jaden (it's one of the most popular baby names now) realizes that the death of his mother was not enough. When he can't locate his father, he redirects his anger, and his pity at the entire world. Since he wants revenge on his father, his anger strikes out against all fathers, bad ones for being like his dad and good ones because they aren't his dad; and pity for all children everywhere who had to live without fathers, and more anger for kids who had good dads.

He knows what he has to do. He may not be the smartest person in the world, that would matter if he wanted to go for world domination, but he doesn't, he just wants to destroy all human life. You see, if you want world domination, there are a lot of people looking out for that who are really smart, and its pretty easy to track down the would-be despot. World destruction, on the other hand, ain't that hard. I can think of three comparatively easy ways to wipe out human life off the top of my head (the other 98 took awhile). Now our story catches up to the absentee father, carrying out his own difficult plans to dominate the world, he's wearing a business suit and dining with Satin and Trump. The emergency broadcasting system comes on and announces: This is a message from the Emergency Broadcasting System, the end of the world is at hand. We instruct you to put your head between your knees and cry and pray, and repent of your plans at world domination."

the last scene is from space on the night side of the earth and as the destruction progresses, the lights disappear from the globe and it becomes completely black.


Disclaimer: the exception to the fear of sex teaching rule was Kevin Woods' "Thank God for Sex" series. Good job Kevin (seriously).